Pre-Half Marathon Thoughts – To feel proud, you have to train hard

Tomorrow, I run.

I should be ecstatic… my third half marathon!  One year ago, I was struggling to run a 10k for the first time.

When I ran my first half marathon, I was happy just to be there, excited just to finish.  When I ran my second, I had great company the whole way, and no expectation of improving much from my first since it’d been less than two months of running in between.  It was glorious.  I felt legitimate, I improved by 10 minutes, I was thrilled.

Now, I run my third… feeling less prepared than I did for either of the first two.  Spring came late, I only did four long runs in preparation, and only 3 that were over 10 miles.

There are signs that I’m a stronger runner than I was in the fall – I did two races on hilly courses pushing the double jogger and came in at under 30 minutes for each one.  When I ran a 5k with NO stroller two weeks before my first half marathon, I barely made it in under 30 on a flat course.

I’m stronger, right?  I’m faster, right?  I still have 13.1 in me… and as fast as in the fall, right?

In a way, I don’t deserve to have any expectation of improvement, since I didn’t work hard this spring to improve.

Yet… I’ve been running 7 months longer.  I have those first two half marathons in my legs and in my brain, propelling me forward, changing my mitochondria (you’ll have to google that).

Hope is a four letter word, all right.

What do I hope for?  To finish?  To finish not that much slower?  To finish faster?  To get that third necklace, to STILL be here?

I’m disappointed, before I start, because I’m not sure that’s enough anymore.

I’m no longer happy just to be here.  I want to be here, and be excited to see what my hard training will earn me.  I want to have done that hard training so I can be proud of it.

I think I’ve learned a lesson before I even get on the course tomorrow – I love the half marathon because it makes me feel proud of myself.  And I feel proud when I train adequately, make sacrifices to get my runs in, complete my miles, and then get to show off to myself on race day.

Even if I nail it tomorrow, it’ll be only as much pride as I can feel in myself about 2 hours and 10-30 minutes of hard running.  My 3 year old is proud just putting his underwear on the right way… that’s because it’s hard for him and he worked at it.

When I completed my first half marathon, my pride was not just in those hours… it was in everything I did to get to the starting line.

Tomorrow morning I will pull on my running clothes, I will show up to the start line, and I will run my heart out.  I will have to be content with keeping myself in enough running shape that I can make it across that finish in under 2:30 (and I will, oh… I will).  And hopefully, I will give myself a little credit for tooling around town pushing 70 pounds of kid and stroller, squeezing in runs when I can, and using my precious baby sitting hours for the four long runs I did manage before I needed to taper.

But inside I know that I’m disappointed by my mediocre preparation.  I want to actually train.  I’m ready to do interval workouts.  Hill repeats.  Better long runs.  More miles.

I want to feel how good, how sweet, how satisfying it is to cross a finish line beaming because no matter how many freaking people are in front, I EARNED my spot, with sweat, exhaustion and dedication.  I want that feeling back, and I’m going to chase it.

Here I come.